He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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