he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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