I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
