and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
