If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i love accidental penises.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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