There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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