DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
