I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
