Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
COCAINE IS GR8
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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