he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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