No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
