I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
