Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He is an equal opportunity slut.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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