Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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