I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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