Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
