Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
