all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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