If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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