Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
