grandma shit on top of the toilet
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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