I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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