It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
even my farts smell like vagina
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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