I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
