Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
How does it feel to date your dad?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
