I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
