i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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