Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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