I am spending my child support on dildos
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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