wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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