you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
