he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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