someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
