HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
