he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
My balls are so social today.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
