Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
