He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
