I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
