i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
