I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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