You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
