Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
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