I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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