went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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