if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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