Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
