Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
