tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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