She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
