she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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