My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
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Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
last night I used snow as a chaser