Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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