I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
