apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
