she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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