Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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