i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
