i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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