I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
