she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
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